Face It
by Herana
Summary: A is for Apathy, B is for Blame, C is for Can't... Alphabet ficlets of our favorite Commander, doing what she does best- facing life and it's everyday challenges.
1. Apathy

Face It

Apathy

There weren't many things that made Shepard mad. Not like the politicians could. She could show them the enemy, a signed confession, and compiled video of all of their misdeeds, and they would still sit and debate. They would sit, talk, and tell her that she didn't have enough to reach a consensus.

It wasn't that they didn't like her. Or that they did. Or that they hated her.

It was that they simply didn't care.

Apathy.

"And that's why I hate politicians." Ashley had once said. But she'd had no idea. No idea of the cruelty that these politicians could inflict on anyone.

They didn't seem to care that Ash died on that Godforsaken planet that they themselves had sent Shepard to. It was just...was nothing. Like it had only been another number. Which, she supposed, it had been. To them.

To her it had been a sister. A friend. Ash.

With a wipe of her eyes, her back to the council, Shepard vowed she would never become like them.

…

Two years, one death, one rebirth, and it still wasn't enough. They still couldn't bring themselves to bring forth any decision. It was exactly as she had left it. Except, this time, she was the one coming out from under the rug. The dirty little secret that had a vengeance.

Even Anderson, who was in an understandably difficult position, seemed to not hear her.

She left the Citadel with her shoulders rolled back, head held high, heart hardened to the council. She honestly hoped they never needed her help- she wasn't going to listen.

With a dry, painless laugh, she decided that Apathy was the best thing for the council.

Just a taste of their own medicine.


	2. Blame

Face It

Blame

No matter which way you sliced it, Shepard was at fault. Her team should never had split up. They all should have been with her, or on the Normandy, or anywhere but there. If she would have just said no to that damn salarian, everyone would have been alive.

She told Alenko to blame Saren.

Oh yeah, it was Saren's fault that Shepard had allowed Ash to go with the other team.

Shepard wasn't sure how she would have handled it if Kaiden had blamed her for Ash's death. It was only in private that Shepard blamed herself. She would never let anyone see what happened when she thought about it. She'd cried a lot. More than someone like her should.

For someone so...'strong', she was a real crybaby.

"Save the council, at any cost." She said into the headset.

She turned away from where Saren had fallen.

"Make sure he's dead." She took a gulp. Without missing a beat, Garrus and Kaiden went down. She followed, if only to make sure for herself. Garrus shot off one round and nodded to her.

Then all that was left was to deal with her slice of the blame pie.

…

Watching Garrus struggle with the words was hard. Shepard could almost see his eyes reflect his fallen team. She knew how hard it was to look at the last surviving team member and not be angry at them. She'd looked in the mirror for a long time after Akuze. If only she hadn't been on vacation. If she would have just been there...

She'd wanted nothing more than to kill the bastards responsible.

Her hands had shaken when she'd told Toombs to stand down, and without Garrus there, she probably would have shot the scientist herself. Going home that day had not been easy.

She didn't reach out and touch his arm like he had back then. It wouldn't have the same effect. It would make him angry- would look like she thought him soft. Shepard respected his pride, wounded thing that it was.

Right before she left, she slipped up, "It's not your fault."

Shepard wasn't sure if she was talking to herself or Garrus.

Neither did he.


	3. Can't

Face It

Can't

"If you say that word again, I will make you regret it."

Shepard looked up from her spot on the floor. It was hard trying not to speak out.

"Now, _do it_." The instructor said.

She could hear whimpering, feel the faint discharge of biotics. The figure didn't so much as sway. Keeping her head down had never been so difficult. She didn't want trouble, but the poor girl was doing the best she could after being out all day.

"That's the best you can do? Do better!"

The sniffling was almost unbearable.

"I..I-I.."

"Now!" She yelled again.

Another weak biotic flare. Shepard watched the girl fall to the ground, exhausted.

The instructor moved to strike the girl, and Shepard pulled the poor woman towards herself. The instructor's eyes were on her instantly.

"She's tired. You can push your body only so far." Shepard said.

"Are _you_ trying to school _me_? Let's see just how far we can push _your_ body."

A few hours later, when the sun began to rise, Shepard could feel how tired her body was. She'd been pulling and throwing singularities since she spoke out. Her teeth were grinding together, her body was tired but her mind was livid. She wasn't going to quit and give the instructor the satisfaction.

"Tired yet, Shepard?"

"Getting bored, Sir?" she asked through her lips.

The woman above her scoffed.

Shepard wasn't really used to being able to mouth off to superiors. But, she guessed, being an N4 already and already going through punishment was reason enough. At least she wasn't really arguing.

"So, what've we learned, maggot?"

"Rubbing dirt on cuts actually _does_ help." Shepard said thoughtfully.

"Ach, you're stubborn." There was a bit of admiration.

"So I've been told, Sir." she kept pulling the objects as they moved back to their places.

"Well, that can't be possible!" The woman said with fake shock.

"If you say that word again, I'll make you regret it." Shepard quoted.

The instructor kicked her over with a smile.

"Take can't out of your vocabulary. You'll do better." The woman said. She seemed like she meant it.

Shepard made a note to give it a try.


	4. Death

Face It

Death

Shepard had never actually considered her own death. _She'd had nightmares about her friends dying. Mostly Saren was shooting them, or they were falling, or something. One dream in particular actually made her laugh, Kaiden had tripped on a rock and busted his head open. As funny as it had been, she'd had to check on him._

She pounded on the red button that was going to save Joker.

'_I got everyone off. They're all safe_.' Shepard thought to herself. She was proud. As far as she could tell, everyone was safe.

She took one look at Joker's escape pod. It was jettisoning off into space.

That was when the suit breach hit. It got cold quick. Shepard had only felt this cold when she was on Mindoir last, cold and empty. The empty part was an after thought, after she realized that this wasn't something she could survive.

Space was beautiful. It wasn't exactly where she wanted to die- of course there was no real place she _wanted _to die- but it was as good a place as any.

Laughing now would have seemed silly- but she did it anyways. After all she'd done, all she'd yet to do, _this _was how she was going to die. Not under enemy fire, not in hostile territory. Just out in space, victim to a random attack.

Her lungs started seizing up, her mind was fighting itself. Her conscious knew to be calm, it would make things easier, but the subconscious- the part that normally controlled breathing- was panicking. It was a stupid thing to be just noticing now, but she didn't brush her hair today.

She was going to have helmet hair when they opened up her suit. That was when the tears started.

Suddenly, right before Shepard's vision blacked out, she felt something pull her. She realized it was gravity- pulling her toward the planet. Her lip quivered.

And she died.

…

She was wringing her hands. She took a gulp, though her throat was dry. It was just watching her hands moving that kept her so entranced. She shouldn't be able to do it. She should... she should be incinerated, broken... meat and tubes- in the ground.

Sometimes she forgot where she was. She didn't remember dying- at least, not what happened afterward. She couldn't remember if there was hell, if there was golden streets. All she knew was that waking up had been a shock she hadn't expected.

"Shepard? Are you there?" Garrus asked, waving his hand in front of her.

She looked up, emotions choking her and tears in the corner of her eyes, "I don't know."

* * *

Author's Note:

There were two powerful lines in my mind while writing this. "And she died." as well as "I don't know." They were just...they hurt my heart.


	5. Eyes

Face It

Eyes

She was staring at her reflection in the fish tank. She couldn't take the mirror in the bathroom. There was no where else to look in there. She remembered looking in her eyes and seeing fire, seeing warmth. But now... now there was nothing. Things were bad, most of it. There was a few things that kept her going- mainly the fact that if she didn't, all life as she knew it would end... but that helped more when there were bullets.

She could see the cybernetics behind her lids, no matter how much she tried not to. They were exactly the same shade, they had the same...consistency of color. But when she closed her eyes- in other words, any time she was not out in the field- she could see a faint glow.

"Shepard, you in there?"

Shepard shook her head, "Yeah. Need something, Garrus?"

The door opened, Garrus stepped in, and it closed. He approached her without a word. It was comforting just to have him near. He still had the same look, same walk- though sometimes it was a bit heavier, depending on what was on his mind. It was one thing that hadn't changed.

"Whatcha need?" Shepard turned around and smiled at him.

His eyes were a pretty blue. He seemed confused.

"Garrus?"

"I-uh, I don't remember. Crap." He muttered.

She laughed.

"I'll come back later, if I remember." He said, waving.

"Wait... you don't have to go. Stay and talk with me."

The light in his eyes was very warm.

…

"You're worrying me, Shep."

"What?"

"You haven't blinked, or stopped looking me in the eyes. Disconcerting." He said quietly.

"When I close my eyes... I can see the difference. Between me and..well, my old self."

"So why stare at me. It feels like you're boring into my soul."

Shepard's face heated up, "I like your eyes. They're blue."

"Is that special?"

"Humans are suckers for blue eyes."

"Oh, really? That's something new."

She tried to look away, now conscious about her watching him. If she had been paying attention, she would have seen that he hadn't looked away either.

"Mister Vakarian, the engineers are requesting assistance." EDI chimed in.

Shepard tried to hide her crestfallen face.

"Yeah, okay. I'll be there in a minute."

"Bye, Garrus."

"Hey, Shepard?"

"Yeah?"

"Turians are suckers for blue eyes, too."

With that, he left. The door closed behind him before Shepard understood what he'd said. She took another look into the fish tank. Yep, her eyes were blue. Always had been.


	6. Food

Face It

Food

Shepard could remember her love affair. With food. She could remember salivating at the thought of chocolate, of ice cream. They were making constant stops around the galaxy the first time around, trying to give their commander her sugar fix. And now.. now she only ate when her hands began to shake.

She stared making her rounds, making sure there was nothing anyone needed. The trip resulted in a scheduled visit to the Citadel- _yay_, right?- and Omega. She picked Omega first, anything to delay the Citadel.

She sat down near the mess hall, thinking about all of the frivolities she used to indulge in. So many silly little things she used to do. Every Friday, she'd do a little dance, just because. Valentines day, she somehow afforded chocolate for anyone she spoke to. Even went so far as getting a small dextro-amino food producer for Garrus and Tali. Now... there was no love of food. It was just another resource.

Still, she didn't begrudge Gardner when he asked for better rations. Just because she no longer liked food doesn't mean there weren't people who didn't. She wasn't going to punish other people because of her misfortune.

…

The loud clinking of porcelain on the table surprised her. There was a small little...cabin made of chocolate, with a single marshmallow coming out of the smoke stack, placed in the center of a white plate. She followed the arm to find Garrus looking down at her, his mandibles fluttering nervously.

"That's pretty... art project?" She wondered.

"Eat it." He said, forcefully for Garrus. He didn't seem to be comfortable demanding things of her.

"I'm not hungry." She deadpanned.

"You don't have to be hungry to eat." He said.

"Yeah, but I'm not hungry."

"It's good for you. You always said this was good for you. Ashley, too." Garrus was uncomfortable bringing up the dead. Especially since he wasn't sure how Shepard would react.

"I. Don't. Want. It." She growled. She didn't like being ordered around, didn't like thinking of things that were her fault, didn't like his general attitude.

"I'm not leaving 'till you eat that damn house." He sat across from her.

There were a few murmurs around them, but no one dared say anything above a whisper. Shepard was scary when she was mad. It took a few minutes for Joker to be present. He was excited about 'mommy and daddy fighting'.

"When we defeated Saren, you said the only thing that would make you happier was a house of chocolate. Well, I did that dammit."

It occurred to Shepard that this was Garrus' way of telling her everything was okay. It was his way of saying, 'you're alive, smile for me'. The chair she was sitting in fell to the floor.

"Thanks, Garrus."

Her arms were around him. His warmth was distracting. He didn't seem to mind that there were so many people around. His plan was working, that's all that mattered.

She could hear the elevator open, just barely, over the whispering of her crew. She really couldn't help the shudder that racked through her body.

There were a few heavy steps. They paused and Jack sounded, "Hey. Chocolate."

Shepard had never turned around, or fired up her biotics, so quickly in either of her lives.

* * *

I didn't want it all to be angsty. Any good? Won't know unless you press that little button about...yes, that one. You know the one. "Review"

It means a lot to me? Please?


	7. Guns n' Roses

Face It

Guns n' Roses

Shepard was polishing her pistol. It was her favorite, ever present companion. It was even above Garrus- but she didn't have to tell him that. It only won out because she always won the arguments. With Garrus, well..

In her defense, he was exactly the same way.

He could have an...enjoyable night by himself with his sniper rifle.

Every couple had their odd...fetishes.

If there was anyone listening to their...escapades, they would probably be wierded out. Shepard could barely even think of it without turning insanely red. _Calibrate this..._

Where some couples had flowers and dirty books, they had weapons manuals and dirty lingo.

She walked past Garrus, then paused.

"Hey, I'm going to the Citadel. Coming?"

"Can it wait a bit, I'm in the middle of some-" He looked up and saw her pervy grin, "Fine, fine. I'll go put my toys up."

She smiled.

"Hey! Shepard, c'mon. We're going shopping." Kelly said. Miranda, Tali, and surprisingly Jack were behind her.

"Ah, I was going to-"

"Please, Shepard?" Tali begged.

Garrus laughed, "Have fun, Shep."

Shepard groaned. A girls day out, trying to control Miranda and Jack? Oh, yes, fun.

…

Shepard looked at herself in the mirror.

"Shepard, does your boyfriend do anything like that?" Kelly asked from the other side.

"Bring me flowers? Are you kidding?" She snorted.

"Well, what kind of-"

"He brings me stuff I can use to shoot people."

There was an awkward silence from her friends.

"And they call _me_ crazy." Jack scoffed.

A/N:

Haha, you thought it was band. Well, shame.

Oh my gosh.

I asked for reviews in my last chapter, and I got them.

I didn't reply to all of them, but thank you all!

I got one, previously, from Raven Studios. As I was replying to the review, I kept having to delete, and it seemed rather short. I was panicking because _Raven Studios_ was reading something _I _wrote! It was so...humbling. I'm drabbling again. Moral of the story, thanks for the reviews, check out Raven Studios?


	8. Hiding

Face It

Hiding

_There once was a little girl who was_

_afraid of monsters._

* * *

The breathing was quick and hurried, but quiet. She had to be quiet. She couldn't be found. No, that wasn't right, this couldn't be happening. This was a bad dream. It had to be.

Her hands were shaking, the shotgun in them was a bit uncomfortable. It was hot, it made loud noises, and it was absolutely the only reason she was still alive. It was not a happy thought. Shepard peeked out from her hiding spot. There were uglies all over the place. She couldn't even see the street sign.

The flames permeated her nose, but she refused to acknowledge what the smell was. It was just rotting meat- not her family. Not people she knew. Just meat.

One of them started hissing. Shepard didn't understand what was being said, but by the motions, she assumed that they were loading people up. _Loading_ like cattle. Like meat. Shepard wasn't going to stand for it. She could see a few human heads hung low between the four eyed aliens.

She said another prayer- probably the eleven thousandth prayer tonight- and took a few shots. The one who had been ordering around caught a round in the leg. They looked around for her, panicked. Shepard knew that shotguns were close combat weapons, did more damage the closer you were, but she wasn't sure how stable _she_ would be if she tried to approach the enemy.

Footsteps barely passed her. She was hiding behind a trashcan, and she barely fit. The legs stopped outside of her alleyway. For two seconds, Shepard couldn't breathe. She shook it off, and stood. The alien seemed to...smile at her. Then he made motions to come with him. Three seconds to aim, and she shot.

The aliens were all around her in an instant. She kept shooting until she was alone again. There was a pile of- Shepard shied away from it, though her mind had already registered the fourteen bodies. She couldn't think about what she'd done. When she exited, she tried to find the humans who she'd seen earlier. Her eyes were only scanning from her height and up. She found none.

_Don't look down_, she told herself. Her eyes didn't listen. They found three bodies, a fourth melted beyond recognition. One of them had been her next door neighbor. She put her hand on her heart and ran into another building. It wasn't safe out in the street.

…

"Search every building! There has to be _someone_!" a voice shouted.

It was the first one Shepard could understand. Even so, she didn't trust it. She moved under the desk in the office she'd taken residence in. The only source of light was coming from the cracks in the curtains. It was enough to see what had happened in this room. Just barely enough that she could make out the glassy set of four eyes staring at her, unseeing, from across the floor. There was blood smeared on the wall. None of it red. Burn holes, from their weapons, but no blood.

The door opened, and Shepard curled into herself.

"Hello? Is there anyone here? Alliance navy, _please_." the voice sounded sick, broken.

Shepard considered for a moment. Alliance meant human, right? But...what if they weren't? What if they were just waiting for her to pop out of cover to take her out. She'd been through too much to even considering showing herself.

"There's a lot of batarian bodies in here. I think someone's still alive." There was relief- though it was still grim. Batarians. That's what those four eyed things were called. Shepard made a note, though it didn't seem important anymore.

The steps around her were so heavy that Shepard found herself whimpering. When the movement stopped, Shepard tried to force herself to be quiet. It didn't work.

There were bright eyes in front of her. Only two. The person began to reach for her, but then pulled back when Shepard winced away.

"My name is Riley. I'm human. You're safe." The woman backed away, but not far enough where she couldn't touch Shepard.

Shepard's hands shook, for an entirely different reason. She was trying to let go of the shotgun- _her dad used to call it Susan_- but she couldn't. She was dehydrated, so her eyes couldn't make any tears, but it sure stung.

"Can you put the shotgun down? Sweetie, you're safe." As she said it, the woman put her hands out to receive Susan.

"Are there anymore?" She whispered. She could feel her finger tightening on the trigger. All she had to do was pull it for two seconds, and she would be alone again. It would be quiet, and there would be no reason to be afraid. Shepard shook her head slightly, she didn't want to kill the woman. She didn't want to be just like those..those batarians. Killing because she could.

"No, no more." The woman said sympathetically.

Shepard was trying to find the words. She couldn't begin to express the horror she felt. The relief that she was alive- but at the same time, saddened. The sixteen year old couldn't say anything. Her throat was so dry, breathing hurt.

"Come with me, sweetie. We'll get you out of here."

The shotgun fell to the ground and Shepard nearly tackled the woman.

Later on, Shepard would realize that the strange raspy sound was actually her.

She had grasped the woman crying, "_Help me_."

* * *

_In her place,_

_grew a woman __who was afraid_

_ of becoming a monster_

* * *

A/N:

Okay, I know you're all getting tired of the angst and depression. I'm getting around to the happy stuff (I hope) It's just a matter of how the letters work out. I had some really good ones, but they just weren't coming out correctly. I hope I'll get to write some shakarian fluff soon. I enjoy it. (Which is probably why 'food' was the best one so far...)


	9. Inquiline

Face It

Inquiline

_Inquiline: Living with another; dwelling in another creature's lair_

Jack had never been in Shepard's room. She'd never really seen Shepard outside of battle. The commander tended to blow things up. Not classy, but effective. And hella fun. So it was kind of surprising when she walked in, and everything was organized. Terribly so. Ships in the case were alphabetized, weapons on her table were painfully straight.

"It's a little disturbing when you try to take it all in at once." A voice said from behind her.

She flipped around quickly, embarrassed about being caught.

"She doesn't sleep much, so she organizes things." Garrus shrugged.

"Is she sick or something?" Jack asked.

"No, she likes cleaning her weapons, taking them apart." Garrus' arms started moving towards the table.

"Weird."

For a few minutes Jack watched the turian in silence. He was making a mess of things. Moving all the guns about, hiding them in places. He took a few ships and put them out of order. He seemed to be doing it without really thinking about it. There was a soft expression on his face- he didn't mind doing whatever it was he was doing. The biotic didn't understand. She leaned against the wall behind the glass ship display. She couldn't see the door from where she was.

"What are you doing?"

"If it were organized, she would have nothing to do. So I change stuff around."

"Do you do that all the time?"

"When it gets bad." He shrugged again. He had almost finished when the door opened. He stopped what he was doing to embrace Shepard. It was so...sugary, it made Jack cringe away.

"Messing up my stuff again?"

"Force of habit." He rolled his shoulders back, rubbing the back of his head.

Shepard grabbed one of the weapons off of the table.

"What's that for?"

"Going to go talk to Grunt. He's getting antsy again."

"Want me to come?"

"Nah, stay here." Shepard started walking back to the door, still facing Garrus, "Snoop through my underwear drawer. Read my diary. Download porn on my terminal."

"I would, but I don't think Jack would appreciate that."

Jack cleared her throat, trying to hide her laugh. Shepard balked and quickly backed out. Garrus snorted.

"You guys make me sick."

"Hey, what can I say?"

"Were you two always like this? All..." Jack couldn't think of the right words for what she was trying to say.

"We just kind of worked well together."

"So when did this all start?" She motioned to the disorganized array of items now strewn about the room.

Garrus laughed darkly, "Ah..."

Jack shook her head. They could keep their sex life to themselves. The biotic had forgotten her original purpose in coming here, but it didn't matter right now. Now questions about how the two of them got along, how much they had changed for each other, and how long it had taken for them to get used to one another were permeating her brain.

She'd never wondered what it would be like to have someone who cared enough to do the same thing every day- even if it was something as simple throwing around guns and toy ships.

Jack left in a huff. She didn't need to be thinking about this kind of thing. That kind of stuff was distracting, and got people killed.


	10. Jet Fuel

Face It

Jet fuel

Coffee was almost as precious as the water that was used to make it. There was no set limit of time, though for the sake of everyone, the lights were dimmed at 19:30-just to maintain some notion of regular civvy time. Working out in space for a prolonged amount of time made people edgy, tired, and more importantly, people depended on their caffeine fix to get them through just about every thing. Sugar and creamer were luxuries that many people pitched in for. Coffee was the first and last part of everyone's day- everybody benefited when everybody contributed.

There was a non-spoken rule about the coffee pot. You emptied it, you started a new one. If you did not the punishment was...severe. Mostly because it always seemed to be Shepard's cup of coffee that had to wait. The Commander needed coffee more than most- she could be found near said liquid any time she was up and about for longer than an hour- so waiting for a coffee pot to start filling was torture.

She didn't need sugar, or cream, or honey, or whatever the hell other people put in their java. She drank it straight, right out of the pot if necessary. There were a few people who actually praised her for her ability to drink it so boldly. Most couldn't handle the natural flavoring of coffee. They needed some kind of buffer to make it a little sweeter. Not Shepard.

"You know, I've read on the 'net that drinking large quantities of coffee will stunt human growth." Garrus said, watching Shepard drink her fourth cup of the day.

The cup made no sound when she placed it on the counter, "Garrus, I've been drinking coffee since I was a sperm, okay? I am five feet seven inches, which is above average. I don't wanna hear anything about not growing. Science can stick that in their pipe and smoke it." She said heatedly.

Garrus realized she'd probably heard all this before, so he didn't mention that Shepard had, in fact, been rebuilt, so her height was of no consequence. Her past actions had had nothing to do with the body she had now.

"Besides, if I didn't drink coffee it would be alcohol."

"Is that so?"

"Yeah, and you don't want to see me like that." Her voice painted a picture of bad memories.

"Once wouldn't hurt." Garrus said.

"Yes, well... too bad. I'm responsible for all this," She swept her arm around, "plus the entire universe. I need fuel to fly." With that she grabbed her cup, refilled it, and walked away humming some kind of show tune.

Garrus shook his head. He would never understand that person.


	11. Kisses

Face It

Kisses

She was fifteen when a boy first tried to kiss her. He ended up with a dislocated jaw. Shepard had felt guilty, of course, but it wasn't really her fault. The boy should have made his intentions clear. Plus, she hadn't even known the guy. She figured it was for some kind of dare. It didn't matter. No one was going to try and kiss her again, and that was a good thing. Times like that were awkward and she didn't want to worry about it.

After she joined the military, she didn't really need to worry about things like that. She was always busy, always on the move, so no time for a relationship. No time to worry about that. Shepard was content being a lifer in the navy. It was fulfilling, and things usually worked out at the end of the day. She wasn't the one who had to deal with loose ends if the mission didn't go as planned. She was just a gun.

Then, she'd met Kaiden Alenko. Strong biotic, good soldier. He cared about her, that much was for sure. She could see it when he looked at her, the strange way his eyes burned when looking at anything that threatened her. He had passion, and he made her feel all warm inside. When they'd been grounded, he purposely pulled her too hard so she would be close to him. That had been the first time she'd ever wanted to kiss someone. If Joker hadn't interrupted...

But later on that week, while en route to Ilos, he'd come to her cabin. She wasn't sure what was going through her mind at the time. She was his Commander, his superior. She couldn't turn him away then. She'd only been that scared once in her life. The mission should have came first, but right then, she belonged to Kaiden. There had been no regrets.

…

Waking up alone had been horrible. When someone finally started answering her questions, she asked about him. Where he was, what he was doing. The Illusive Man, for all his power, could tell her next to nothing about her former crew. _Former_. She couldn't believe she'd started thinking of all of them that way, but she couldn't help it. She didn't even have a crew now.

Three months later, she had a new name for hell. _Horizon_. Shepard was glad she always had her Commander face to fall back on. Her heart was breaking the whole time he was there. She shouldn't have expected things could be so easy- two years was a long time. She wasn't angry at him, at least, not really. She expected him to at least hear her out, but were the situations reversed... she wasn't sure she would have done the same. When she got back, she realized she couldn't even remember his kisses.

It must not've been worth all the hurt.

* * *

A/N:

Okay, _huge_ oversight back in 'Blame'. I was checking through and I had accidentally put Akuze as Shepard's back ground. It's not- at least not this time around. So, ah.. I fixed it, mostly. Just added, like, a sentence, but it changes everything. (Amazing, right?)

Been trying to avoid the cliche in all of the letters, but this one I couldn't resist. It was going to be Kaiden, but I don't like him anymore, so... xD


	12. Lazarus

Face It

Lazarus

_The ultimate Hebrew translation of Lazarus:_

"_One God has helped"_

Miranda had seen a lot of things in her day. Gruesome, disturbing, gory, but this one definitely took the cake. She'd never seen something as...broken as the sight before her. The men carrying the remnants of Shepard in weren't looking at her. They were all subconsciously leaning away from the case as if they were afraid of disease. Miranda didn't blame them. It wasn't pretty.

There weren't any parts that were identifiable. Everything important had been melted. It was just meat on a slab. Considerably less meat than originally filled the suit. Pieces of said suit were the only indication that the pile of pink and red inside of their makeshift glass casket had once been something else, something alive.

It was going to be a long time at work to try and make that...meat human again.

…

Originally, Miranda had wanted to completely revamp Shepard's body- make her taller, better built- but The Illusive Man had specified that she needed to be as close as she could be to the way she was before she died. Miranda, having her own body as reference, added a few things here and there, to make Shepard slightly more attractive in the hopes that there would be one less fight because of Shepard's new body.

The brain control was also denied. (Much to Miranda's dissatisfaction. You can't trust free thinkers.)

After a year, Miranda still wasn't convinced things were going to work. They'd only gotten her lungs and kidneys replaced. They were trying to reconstitute Shepard's body as naturally as possible- less scars. But there were some things that you just couldn't do.

Six months later, she was singing a different tune. She must've not been paying attention because, suddenly, Shepard was filled of working parts, including the brain. Still, the readings weren't all good. She seemed to be healing on her own- a good sign, usually- but she was also more likely to wake up. She told Wilson to up the meds Shepard was on about three months later. When he didn't listen, they nearly lost everything. Not that it would be particularly hard to get it all working again- especially since they'd built most of her themselves- but it was the principle of the thing.

…

"On Virmire, you left one of your crew, Ashley Williams, to die. Why?" Jacob asked.

Miranda watched the pain flash across the woman's eyes. She answered as best she could, though Miranda could tell she didn't really believe all the hot air she was pushing. How could she? She'd left a friend to die, some would feel guilty about that.

When the Commander left to talk to TIM, Miranda tried to hide her smile.

Two long years of her life was up and walking. The galaxy could now take a deeply awaited breath. There was at least one person guarding the stupid idiots.

* * *

A/N: Sorry I'm putting all these out in one day. It's just that school's about to start and I don't want to hear anything about it so...


	13. Monsters

Face It

Monster

The little girl's feet were running down the hall. The door to her parent's room swung wide and she jumped into bed with them, making her mother squeak in surprise.

"Mommy! Dad!" the little girl said, burying her face so that only her raven hair was visible next to her little hands.

"What is it, Moo?"

"There's something under my bed." She said into her father's shirt.

"Moo?"

"I know there's a monster there! I know!" the little girl mumbled. She knew her parents probably wouldn't believe her, they didn't believe in monsters. At least, they didn't believe in the ones that lived under her bed. They'd told her so before.

"Alright, let's go look." Her dad pulled her out of his shirt and dragged her along to her room.

The girl entered hesitantly, only daring to hang on to her father's leg from behind. He was big enough to protect the both of them from any monster that fit under her bed. He motioned for her to stay back. When he peeked under her bed, he came out with another look at her. He was smiling easy at her, telling her it was safe. He reached under her bed, waving under it with his arm. Proving there was nothing underneath.

"Maybe you scared it away." Shepard offered.

"Maybe. What did it look like?"

"I don't know. I was so scared, I didn't look." she said shamefully.

"Well, have you ever seen a monster?"

"No."

"I'll tell you exactly what a monster looks like: they have four eyes, and they melt people for fun. They steal little kids and sell them."

Shepard was horrified, her little mouth was in an O and her eyes were wide. Her tiny hands were covering her mouth.

Her father, seeing her distress, quickly added, "But you don't need to worry about that. We got ol' Susan, you'll be safe."

"Oh, good. But, daddy, what are they called?"

"The monsters? I don't know."

"Oh. Well, I'll just call them uglies."

"Alright. Now remember, if you stay scared too long, they'll getcha, so you gotta be brave."

She wiped her eyes and crawled into her bed.

"Night, Moo."

"Night, daddy."

With a kiss to her forehead, he left, leaving the door open just a crack.

"I'll never let the uglies get us." She whispered.

A/N: Isn't Moo such a cute name! I asked my best friend for help, and that was the first thing she said. I thought it was so adorable! It really fit since they are just farmers on Mindoir. Kind of sad how right her dad was, huh?


	14. Nostalgia

Face It

Nostalgia

"_Nostalgia is a seductive liar_."

It'd been a while since she was on the Citadel. But for good reasons. The people here didn't trust her. The Council lived here. There was very little reason for actually being on the Citadel, except her crew. Thane and Garrus were the only people she would bother with. Everyone deserved peace before they went off on another suicide mission. She was just lucky she didn't have anything like that.

She stopped by Bailey to ask about both Kolyat and Fade. She looked over at both of them.

"Fade isn't going anywhere. But Kolyat might be doing something-"

"I understand." Garrus said. He was barely looking at her, or anywhere near people. It was more or less the ceiling he watched so closely. It made Shepard worried about the expression he was trying to hide.

…

All by herself, she was walking trying to figure out what went wrong. To be honest, she never had intentions to let Garrus kill Sidonis. It had been pretty much the same with Dr. Saleon, right? She wasn't sure what Garrus had thought about it- except that he still wouldn't talk about it. It'd only been a few hours.

From across the way, she could see a young couple purchasing food. She wasn't sure what it was, but something about them seemed familiar. She watched them for a few moments. The young man pulled out the chair for the woman, he laughed, she laughed. The man retrieved the food, placed it on the table and they went about eating lunch.

"Are you alone, Siha?"

She looked up to see Thane waiting for the OK to sit next to her. She motioned that it was okay. He sat next to her and folded his hands.

"Any progress?" She asked awkwardly.

"It will take time." He said in his gravelly voice.

She nodded, waiting for him to say something. He usually had something interesting to say, if not observations. He was good about things like that.

"Do you know the young couple across the court?"

"Mm. No, I don't. They just seemed familiar."

Thane watched her.

"I think it reminded me of, ah..." she cleared her throat and stopped herself. It wasn't important.

No matter how much it reminded her of Kaiden, she didn't need to bring that up. It was the past, and though it hadn't been long, she needed to move on. He clearly had.

Still, she supposed she was lucky. She could twist her memories, add music if she wanted. Thane wasn't so lucky. He could very easily slip into old memories, have to relive the feelings. With a small shake of her head, she barely stopped herself from saying how sorry she was. He was cursed with never having to forget. Even when he was out of the memory, he had to deal with the sadness it brought. She wasn't sure she could handle that.

"Siha, we should go. It is becoming late."

She smiled at him, pulling herself out of her inner monologue. They walked quietly, both silently walking through memories. One trying not to get pulled in, the other just trying to escape.

Even so, Shepard could remember the good times, even seeing Kaiden on Horizon had been a blessing. She had hoped, sure, but she'd never really expected to see him again. It was difficult to be angry with him while remembering all the smiles. It was making things harder to deal with.

_Stupidnogoodboiticwhocan'..._


	15. Oblivious

Face It

Oblivious

The girl's books slammed into her locker. She hadn't meant to put them in so harshly, but it was of no consequence. She gathered the books for her next class. Biology, great.

"Hey! Hey, you're Shepard, right?"

She looked over at a boy. She wasn't sure who he was, "That's me."

"Someone told me your a biotic."

"What do you want?" She pushed past him and continued on her merry way.

"I-uh, hey wait!"

Shepard hated people. The guys at this school were jerks. They all thought that she was some exotic commodity. Sure, she was a biotic, and those were rare on this little backwater planet, but that didn't make it okay to come and hit on her. She hated it when they did that. People were generally intolerable, but that made her want to use the biotics in a violent way...

…

He hadn't stopped trying to talk to her for almost three weeks. He hadn't even said his name- not that she was giving him much time to do so- or anything about him. He'd asked rather invasive questions, to which she'd given rude remarks. She didn't understand what his problem was. If it turned out to be about her biotics, someone was going to end up hurt.

"Hey, Shepard."

"What is your problem?" Shepard demanded, suddenly rounding on her heels.

"What?"

"Why do you keep trying to talk to me? I'm obviously not the friendly type."

"Well, no but-"

"But what? Gah, leave me alone." She began to storm off in the opposite direction.

He grabbed her shoulders and turned her to face him. Her face was angry, but the boy just couldn't take a hint. He started leaning towards her, deeply crossing the barrier of personal space. For a moment, Shepard was stunned. Her eyebrows were shot high, but she quickly got over that. The boy's nose touched hers, and her fist connected with his face.

He looked up at her from the ground, hand nursing the already blossoming bruise.

"Don't _ever_. Get that close to me. Again." She growled.

"You're _crazy_." he said.

"You were breathing my air. You don't do that to people."

"I was _trying_ to kiss you."

Shepard's eyebrows, once again, shot up. She hadn't even considered what he was doing. She was just sure he was popping her bubble. It hadn't been comfortable in the least. It came as a shock.

"You don't even know me." She said.

"I've spent three weeks talking to you."

"I don't even- I don't even know your name!"

"Are you freakin' kidding me? We have four classes together."

"Four?"

The boy started saying something, but he was interrupted by the nurse. It was kind of funny the next few days. He had horrible bruises and his jaw had to be put back in the right place. Sure, she'd been suspended for a few days, her parent's hadn't been pleased, and she'd missed a ton of work. But people left her alone after that. It was a blessing.


	16. Paragade

Face It

Paragade

Shepard liked being a nice person- making people happy. Most people were usually left in a better mood than she met them in. That also left her feeling warm and fuzzy. The people she worked for, or fought against, always saw it as a weakness. She didn't really understand that. No one likes feeling bad or angry. Angry people made stupid mistakes.

With all that in mind, there were days where Shepard did _not_ mind shooting people. Or throwing them out of windows, or jamming electric tools in their backs, or shooting explosive material underneath them.

She couldn't help it. There were just days where you were angry at everyone, and shooting people just felt fantastic. It was a great release.

The second great part about it was that, mostly, people did not question her renegade moments. It was real easy to make up excuses when you were commander. But, of course, she didn't really let other people just do that. Garrus was her best example. Jacob, too. And Miranda. And Jack. And other people's children... she meddled in a lot of things. Everyone ended up forgiving her for her interference, so it was all good.

Fact was, she could toe the line and still be okay.

Inwardly- she'd apologize to the people who died unnecessarily because she was thinking ahead. Cathka had been one such person- in the end, though, she might've saved Garrus' life by doing that. She supposed that shouldn't feel guilty, but being such a nice person...

She laughed as she took another shot.

Nice people didn't kill people with a smile.

Most days.


	17. Quiet

Face It

Quiet

There were several kinds of quiet in your life time.

When you were on a mission, quiet was never good. Quiet meant that people were dead, or you were about to be _close_ to dead. There was probably an ambush, or something waiting to pop out at you. Civvies always thought it was scary on the vids. They had no idea what it was like to be the soldier with the gun, surrounded by unknowns. The deafening silence right before the deafening shots. Shepard didn't like the quiet much.

Off the field was quite different. When you aren't afraid of getting shot, the quiet could be rather relaxing. That was the time to read, or plan the next battle. Or drink coffee, in Shepard's case. She spent a lot of time up in her room, drinking and scrubbing herself in a nice hot shower.

Like all people, she couldn't handle it all the time. That was when she usually made her rounds. It was a good way to waste time while doing something productive. Incognito time wasting.

Awkward silences were bad, too. Shepard had never figured out what you were supposed to say during silences like those- maybe that was why they were awkward... of course, there were times that the awkwardness was cute.

"_You know me. I like to savor the last shot before I pop in another heat sink._"

The young woman had to cover her mouth to stifle her giggles. She walked into the forward batteries as such.

"What's wrong with you?" Garrus asked while turning back to his calibrations.

"I was just thinking. You're so cute."

Garrus seemed to tense, "Cute?"

"Awkward."

"Are you insulting me?" He asked, confusion very clear in his voice.

"No! No, nothing like that. I just- never mind. It's a human thing." She said, quickly adapting to her excuse. Garrus nodded, as if he understood.

"See you later, Garrus."

"Hey, did you know that Elcor official* isn't making the results public?"

"What, seriously?"

"Yeah. I had...no idea." He cleared his throat.

This time, Shepard had no control over her giggling. She fell to the floor in a fit of laughter. Her sides hurt horribly. This had to be the funniest thing she'd ever heard Garrus admit.

"Sorry, Garrus. That..."

"I'm not sure what he means by it. He could just be...what's the...pulling my arm?"

"Leg, and maybe." Shepard laughed darkly, "But I doubt it."

He stared at her. And the awkward set in.

* * *

This is a reference to "The Garrus Vakarian List" made by LockDown. If you haven't read this, you need to. It's incredibly funny, and makes more sense when you read this chapter. ^_^ (And yes, I asked permission to reference their works)

I think this is a link to the exact chapter:

.net/s/5802009/6/The_Garrus_Vakarian_list


	18. Rehabilitation

Face It

Rehabilitation

With a glance up, she knew the answer. It wasn't going to be an easy four and a half weeks. More than a month. Invalid. Out of commission. Stuck.

"Doc, isn't there _any_thing I can do?" Shepard begged.

"Rest. That's what. You need to spend time getting better." The man had little sympathy for her.

The back of her head hit the table she was in front of in a futile attempt to show her frustration. Her chair squeaked forward, her casts scraping on the floor quietly. It was _embarrassing_. She should've known better. It was just a training exercise. It wasn't anything serious. But she still went 'above and beyond' what she was supposed to.

There was a beacon. There was no indication of whether or not it was part of the exercise. She'd sent out for confirmation, but her equipment cut out. She did what she had to- followed the source, received the danger warning, ignored it (_of course_), and dug deeper. Sent the alarms to the other side, to move the 'enemies' away from herself. Well, now her almost half broken body was paying for her recklessness. It'd taken almost an entire day to get her out from underneath the rubble.

Shepard entered the room labeled '_Rehab_'. Underneath '_is for quitters_' had been scribbled. No one bothered painting over it. It didn't help her already glum mood.

Two heads turned, the only acknowledgment of her entrance.

"Hey." Someone said.

Shepard didn't answer. She threw her things on the ground next to an empty bed away from everyone. Dealing with people right now was definitely not going to make things easier. All she had now was her biotics. She didn't want to see what happened to all of the medical equipment attached to her if she put up a shield and shot off a singularity.

Days passed without much human contact. She just laid in bed, waiting for a month to pass by. After two weeks, she was able to restart her upper arm training. The people in the wing watched her with a sort of dispassionate envy. After she started moving again, she became more agreeable. She started talking to the other soldiers.

"So...what happened to you?" She wondered one night.

"The day before you got here, I was training. Suddenly, my equipment glitched."

"Did something happen?"

"When it came back on, all of the drones were heading to me. I couldn't fight them all." The young girl shrugged.

Shepard blinked, "Sorry."

"It wasn't your fault."

"It...kinda was. I was on the other side. _I_ sent the drones."

For a moment there was silence, "Oh..."

"You're going to be okay, right?"

The girl looked down, a small, unreadable expression on her face. Shepard waited tensely.

"Right?" Shepard repeated.

"My legs are never gonna work right. I'm going to have to study to be a tech."

Shepard's heart sank. She'd done that. She'd...broken that girl. That girl who'd never _once_ complained, in all of Shepard's time here, about anything. Shepard had been selfishly whining about not being able to run- or to even walk- without crutches. The girl across from her was completely ruined. There was no real military future for her.

Her body ached more then, in that one moment, than it had when the building around her collapsed and fallen on top of her.

…

"We can trigger the alarms on the other side of the base, take the heat off of us." Kaiden said, looking at the terminal.

Shepard didn't hesitate in her answer, "They have enough problems. Signal them over here."

Garrus looked at her with a nod. But he didn't know the half of it.


	19. Science Scam

Face It

Science

Mordin had eighteen different things running. Several samples, a few trying to find new ways to deflect seeker swarms as well as a few studies on Grunt's DNA. Trivial things that weren't very involving. Didn't require much thought.

The final mission was coming up, and there wasn't much else to do. The letter from his nephew had been uplifting, but it was replied to and not answered. He didn't expect it to be. Maybe there would be time to send another letter. Chances of survival were low, but they were bigger than zero. At least, a little bit above zero. Better than nothing he supposed.

Garrus came in, an odd matter in and of itself, but the reason he wished to speak was even more strange. It was natural, of course. He'd been on a few ground missions with them. Whether they were aware of it or not, they had it coming. Mordin- with a stealthy grin- gave him all the necessary information, as well as instructive videos. He made a note to prepare ointment and cream- Shepard would be by later, he was sure.

Sure enough, she stopped by about two hours later. She seemed to be interested solely with Mordin and what was going on with him. There was no impatience, no hurry. She was perfectly content to wait. So Mordin brought it up on his own. Shepard's face was, well, amusing. He'd never really studied human facial expressions in depth, but it was interesting to see exactly how deep red some could turn. Still, he let her leave.

Then laughed.

…

"You want...what?"

"Strictly for medical purposes. Science."

"No. Absolutely not." Shepard said indignantly.

Mordin sighed, she was delaying things.

"That's...none of your business." she stuttered.

"Fine. Will ask AI." Mordin muttered to himself.

"You dirty pervert!" Shepard squealed, making a few heads turn. The mess hall was probably not the best place for the conversation. It made Shepard more uncomfortable and less likely to acquiesce his request. He didn't quite understand.

Soon he found himself alone, talking to EDI and retrieving information. Against Shepard's will, of course. But these things need to be recorded and documented. So what if Shepard labeled it as an 'adult movie'?

It was for _science_.

* * *

A/N: Okay, so this wasn't enough for me, and I couldn't decide between which two to write. So you get both of them. Yay you. You get to read more of my senseless... Sorry about the length.

* * *

Face It

Scam

All she knew, when today started, was that she needed to purchase gear for her team. The Citadel was usually the best place for that. At least, it was the place she usually purchased her gear and armor. She didn't really trust shady places like Omega. Things there were usually...unreliable.

Money wasn't exactly tight, per se, but she didn't know exactly how much everything was going to cost. She supposed she could always go to Illium, but the ship was already docked here. With that in mind, she went into the first arms dealer she found.

When she saw the prices, her eyes felt like they were going to bulge out of her head. It was just too much! She asked if there was anything she could do to lower the price. The woman answered an endorsement. Easy! Shepard gave her endorsement without a second thought.

This repeated in several stores. Garrus' laugh increased with each one. Thane, too, seemed amused. She didn't understand why it was funny. At least, not until the next week when she was walking back down through the shops.

Every step she could hear her own voice echo, "_I'm Commander Shepard, and _this_ is my favorite store on the Citadel_."

For a moment, Shepard laughed.

Then the legal implications hit her.

* * *

A/N: Alright, there we go. I got it out. I thought it would be funny. Yes? No?

Sorry about all the updates. Weekend, don't know when I'll be back. Haha, maybe. See you all soon, I hope.


	20. Thirty two?

Face It

Thirty...Two?

Shepard had never really liked birthdays. She didn't really understand why people went into such a big hissy fit. But this year was different. This year, she couldn't answer the age old question, no pun intended. Women were never honest about their age. Because they were ashamed. This year... this year Shepard wasn't sure she could even lie convincingly.

How old was she?

Her thirtieth birthday would have taken place about a month after she died. It'd been two years since then, right? But she wasn't, technically, alive during that time.

She supposed it was a moral question. Obviously, her 'soul' was still here. She could remember, she was the same. She hadn't change. She was still the sickeningly self righteous person she always was. So, she must have been _some_where. But that didn't really qualify as 'alive'. She had no memory of that time.

Asking Miranda was out of the question. That was embarrassing. "Hey, what age am I?" just didn't really have a good ring to it. That was just an awkward conversation waiting to happen. And, knowing Miranda, she would rub it all in with an accent.

The knock on her door was dismissed due to paper work.

…

"Shepard, if you don't answer this door, we're going to hack it." Tali threatened.

"What do you want?"

"You've been in your room all day! Come out and eat." Jack said. It surprised the Commander to hear her voice. She didn't think Jack would care all that much.

"Not hungry." She sighed.

"Fine." Within moments, the door was opening. Three people were standing outside.

Tali dragged Shepard into the elevator. It felt like mutiny, and Shepard was considering actually filing for it. Then she remembered, not a military ship. Even though she was sure Miranda would do something about this, it seemed rather pointless. She was fond of Jack and Tali.

"What is this all about?" Shepard received no answer. They wouldn't even meet her eyes.

When the door opened, Shepard got her answer. Her entire crew was in the mess, waiting for her expectantly. Among them, she could pick out a few of the skeleton crew she hadn't taken the time to get to know. Then she saw the gaudy banners, the cake...

They were throwing her a birthday party.

"Ah, gee. Thanks? I, ah..." She didn't know what to say. She couldn't tell them how much it bothered her.

They all let her through to the cake. Jack and Tali followed her to the center, where Garrus, Joker and Dr. Chakwas waited. Shepard began to count the number of candles.

Deciding it was a waste of time she gathered her wits and asked, "How many are there?"

A few people looked around. No one had the answer. At least, no one said anything.

"It was deemed practical to take the average of the time passed between the death and rebirth of Shepard-Commander. The average calculated to thirty-one point two five six-"

"Thanks, Legion." Shepard said, stopping the geth in its explanation.

Her friends all around her began singing, off key, sans tune, but it was enjoyable. It made things much simpler to know that she was thirty one today instead of a question mark around the age. At least she knew now. _And_ she didn't have to ask Miranda.

…

"That was embarrassing." Shepard sighed.

"The lace they bought you, was it meant to be a joke?" Garrus asked, putting away more paper in a trash bag.

"For all you know, yes." Shepard said beneath her breath.

At the end of the party, when she'd opened Miranda's- of all people- gift, Shepard remembered another reason why she hated birthdays.

You had to say thank you for everything.

Whether you liked their jokes, or not.

Revenge was most definitely in order. Just a matter of when and where...

A/N:

Last one for now, I swear. I'll post the rest...later. Promise I won't make you read anymore for now.


	21. Unleash

Face It

Unleash

Inside there is a fire. It does not need fuel. It does not need energy. All it needs is itself. It will carry. It will maintain. It will thrive. More importantly, it exists. Inside there is a monster. It does not need a target. It does not need food. All it needs is itself. It will run. It will wait. It will grow. More to the point, it is real.

Some people recognized this fire, this monster. Some did not. Those who chose to ignore the monster got eaten. Those who chose to pretend the fire didn't exist got burned. Most didn't recover. Scars were left. Scars could heal as much as they wanted. But they never went away. Never really got better. You never forgot them.

For those that chose to acknowledge, there were another two routes to go. You could acknowledge. That's not enough, of course. One had to acknowledge. One had to control. Elsewise, be controlled. There was no other option.

Heroes could be made by controlling this fire, this monster. They learned to control themselves. Or at least, the dark part where the fire-monster lived. The knew how the chains worked, what you could release and when. When it was a good idea to fight on your own, or to let go of reality on the whole. Those times were few and far between, of course. But they happened.

Tragedies were made when you knew the fire-monster was inside you, but you chose to roll with the punches. To not really take responsibility for the fire-monster. Those people were quite the time bomb. They could never tell when the fire-monster was close to breaking free of its not-so-permanent bonds. People died.

The key to success, was finding that fire. Finding where your monster lived. Then, making sure it stayed there and only came out when you wanted it to. When you were in command, it was your job to do that for other people. It wasn't entirely fair, of course. Because your leaders didn't do that for you. You had to find it on your own. It had been dangerous. But you had to find it out for other people, because if you didn't, people died.

Shepard was good at finding fire-monsters. She was very familiar with them. There was an understanding between Shepard and fire-monsters. She knew what they needed- only themselves. You didn't need to add wood or prey, but point them in the right direction. The monsters understood that Shepard had uses for them, and that she had a long list of people to send them after. They liked direction. They liked destruction. She was quite capable of providing it, as long as they did what she asked.

Many people knew/saw/felt/heard her change on the battlefield. She was a force, no doubt. There had to be something that could stop her. Something stronger than death. Perhaps her own fire-monsters were afraid of her. She'd never explained exactly what they were, but everyone had a general grasp of her intentions. She didn't play around when it came to survival. Nothing was more important to her when she was fighting than getting through it alive.

Garrus couldn't remember the first time he saw it. That small change in her stance. There was fights where she could keep conversation. She could laugh, though stay focused. Then there were times, like with Saren, where she said nothing. It was dead silent, save the gunshots and the biotics. The light in her eyes burned. Someone didn't look into them without knowing she's different...or at least, she wasn't there. There was...another person in her eyes. Her body language changed. Many a doctor had tried to explain it.

They reached no conclusion. No matter how much they tried- they did not see multiple personalities. They did not see problems. She was her, in control as long as they could watch her. So they could do nothing to stop her.

Inside of everyone, there is a fire. It needs direction. It needs to destroy. It needs Shepard.

Inside of every soldier, there is a monster. It needs direction. It needs to destroy. It needs Shepard.

There must always be a Shepard.

There must always be a monster.

The only difference, between acknowledgment or ignorance, control or controlled, is how you unleash your fire-monster. Whether you unleash it, or it unleashes you.

Someone, must come out.

* * *

A/N: I quite like this chapter. I think it's pretty interesting. Well, anyways. Happy Labor Day. (For which purpose I do not know. Thank you union workers? White collar people? Thanks for all of the people who, ah... work? In all sincerity... Thanks.((Gosh, I'm stupid...don't even know what I'm celebrating..)))

Have a happy Monday if you don't celebrate Labor Day. I will not be in school. Enjoy your day as much as me. xD


	22. Vacation

Face It

Vacation

She wasn't very social, of course, but she did have friends. At least, there were people she didn't hate. It wasn't always easy, but she managed to get on a first name basis with a few people. (Well, she called them their first names. She was always Shepard. Her name was hard to remember, or hard to pronounce... she never really understood.)

The problem with that was, when you'd finally been around someone long enough, something happened. Like your bosses got tired of you working all the time. Apparently, there were rules as to how long you could go without leaving the ship.

It was because of those rules- that Shepard was sure she had never seen before- that Shepard found herself being almost literally ejected off the ship. And she was none too happy about it. She pouted, quiet openly, in the mess hall.

"Shepard, it's not so bad."

"Toombs, if you don't want to be located in your namesake, I suggest shutting your mouth. I have more arms in my possession than you would believe on a government salary." Shepard threatened. She wasn't sure if she was kidding.

He backed off. And smiled like an old friend. She sighed. There was no reason for all of this. They were stranding her on some planet that didn't even have a military. It had _one_ station- one tiny station to connect to it's officials. And she was being dumped on the other side of the rock, leaving no chance of her getting any military training. She would be, effectively, cut off from the military life for a few weeks.

Torture, for lack of a better term.

…

"Be careful on Torfan, Toombs. I hear its dicey out there." She said as way of parting. Her bag of munitions was quite heavy, and she wanted to get underway. It was pointless standing around. She wasn't getting to leave on this ship. She would regroup later.

"No problem. And, ah, you...relax." He scratched the back of his neck awkwardly. He knew she wasn't happy about it. Knew she wasn't going to want any pleasantries. Still, he was pleased to see she accepted well.

When the door closed, Shepard groaned. Two weeks was a long time.

…

The channels couldn't be flipped fast enough. She almost stopped on a human vid- "Star Wars"- but she didn't want to waste so much time on a marathon. It seemed to stretch all day long, and she refused to spend all day inside. She'd seen the vids several times, but they never got old. Still, so much time, nothing to do. She really _hated_ vacation.

She swore that if she took her weapons apart one more time, she was going to put a hole in either herself or the wall. The latter sounded like a lot of trouble, the former painful. Any less than wasting away slowly? She couldn't answer for sure.

…

She was forcing herself to sleep when the first crash sounded. The civvies immediately began screaming, lights began coming on. The hum of activity seemed fantastically new to this planet. She enjoyed it. Nonetheless, she grabbed her gear and headed out as soon as she was able. The duffel bag of munitions was thrown over her shoulder. Finally! Something to do.

For the first time in her week and a half here, she was grateful for the artificial lighting. It was easy to see her opponents. Batarians. Of course, of course. Batarians.

It poked her old wounds. She wasn't going to let another Mindoir happen. Not when she had the ability to make a difference. Her omni-tool had, since the beginning of the attack, been crying out every few minutes for aide. She sent her signal, hoping it would dance to the military center and someone would call for real backup.

There were a few people who tried to help her. Civvies who'd used guns before. They only lasted the first day. It was alright. They'd set up a perimeter, to which the Batarians held fastly to. They didn't deviate from the one place that was actually most dangerous to them. She had sent the civilian fighters around the buildings, leading any advancing squad right into her kill box. It was a beautiful move, from a tactical point of view. It was simple. They walk in, she shoots. They die, she doesn't.

Two and half days in, she's running out of energy. Even her internal monsters can't keep her awake. Sometimes, a few make it past the pile of corpses. Too close for comfort. She does what she can to fight them off, but she knew she couldn't hold out much longer. It just wasn't possible.

She had to admit, she felt pretty cool realizing how many hostiles she'd downed without so much as getting shot at. If she were a sniper, this would be heaven. Someday, she vowed, she had to learn.

Near the end of the third day, with the city around her in ruins- a failed attempt at usurping the resistance by the Batarians- a wave of shots came from behind her. She recognized the clicks and stutters of the weapons- standard Alliance issue. The cavalry had arrived! She let her shoulders sag after all of the shooting stopped.

…

Oh, politics and paparazzo alike just ate it up. The heroic story of an unfortunate orphan who made her way into the military, and vowed never to let what happened to her happen to anyone else. How she, single-handedly, saved a human world with little to no value except tourism. She would have much rather been with her unit at Torfan.

The personal interview was the worst.

"What is your reaction to what happened on Akuze?"

"Akuze?" Shepard asked, confused.

"Your unit was completely wiped out."

"No, that's not possible. My unit was headed to Torfan." Shepard said with a forced smile. From the sidelong glances from the politicians, she knew. There had been information withheld.

"Corporal Toombs was the last reported survivor. They didn't find his remains."

Shepard shook her head defiantly, "No..." Someone would have told her. Someone would have notified her. She would have known. Surely...

One the politicians shook the camera away from her while another waved off the reporter. Shepard could feel herself seething, but she waited patiently. An explanation was silently demanded.

One did not come. So many things were amiss about it all, she was afraid to ask. It probably wasn't worth finding out. There were things soldiers weren't meant to know. She intended to keep it that way.

Shepard held onto the firm belief that vacation was bad for you. And it was, for a lifer like her, they were. Vacations were unnecessary when you loved your job.


	23. When I Remember Me

Face It

When I Remember Me

Shepard was sixteen when her home was raided. She'd cried like a child, killed for the first time. Cried some more. Gotten...not over, but used to it. The anniversaries were hard. Most human planets recognized the day, made a celebration of it. Like Memorial Day. Only worse, because that time, it was personal.

In the elevator ride after being contacted by Girard, Shepard could barely breathe. She couldn't ask Garrus and Kaiden to leave her, they would ask questions. But she didn't want to bring them along. She would probably cry. They didn't need to see that.

Commander Shepard abandoned her weapons with her crew, asking them to wait behind. She'd be back soon. The sedatives seemed very light in comparison to what they meant. Of course, Shepard had no idea if she could even get close enough to deliver the medicine.

Shepard introduced herself very quietly. The girl seemed to eye her, wary but at the same time, trusting. She knew that she wasn't in any danger. There were no weapons on Shepard's person. For all she knew, Shepard was harmless, but scary.

"What's your name?" Shepard asked.

"Animals don't get names. The masters put their symbols on her. Hot metal all over her back. She screams when they do it."

Shepard bit back the bile, "You're _not_ an animal. Your parents? What did they call you? Do you remember them?"

The young girl said sadly, "She remembers a lot of things." After thinking a moment the girl added, "Talitha. They called her that. Sh- She doesn't remember the rest." with a rub to her head.

Selecting her words carefully Shepard asked what happened to the girls parents. Shepard knew, but she needed to get the girl to look at it. She needed to force Talitha to see the past. It hurt, but it was for her own good.

"When she thinks, water comes out of her eyes. The masters beat her when she wastes water. So she doesn't think anymore." Without any further prompting, Talitha continued, "She sees them. Mommy and Daddy. Burning in white light. Melting. Going to pieces. They can't even say anything to her."

Shepard took a deep, calming breath. The girl's broken voice was describing her last memory of Mindoir. It was hard to focus, keep herself here for this girl. Her mouth opened to try and console, but Talitha interrupted, "They're dead, Shepard. They try to save her, and the masters burn them."

With her hands on her head, Talitha begged to stop remembering. Shepard announced that she was going to take a step. Talitha was okay, but she didn't allow more than a step. They continued to converse, Shepard's heart breaking with each new revelation, for almost an hour. Talitha reminded Shepard so much of her younger self. There was innocence in the eyes- eyes that didn't understand why.

She could tell people were getting impatient- just a gut feeling that had never steered her wrong- so she took a deep breath and presented the sedatives.

"Talitha, this will make you sleep. If you fall asleep, they'll take you to a place where you can get better." The girl received the drugs readily, completely trusting Shepard. The pills entered her mouth hurriedly.

The effects were instantaneous, but Talitha fought for a few seconds, "Will she have bad dreams?"

Shepard grabbed the girl in an embrace, struggling to keep her voice steady, "You'll dream of a warm place. And when you wake up, you'll be in it."

"She'd like that." Talitha said dreamily.

A few more seconds of weak hug, "It hurts when she- when _I_ remember _me_. But she wants to... remember..."

Shepard caught the girl as she collapsed, laying her down gently. She took a few moments to steady herself, tears slipping out the corners of her eyes. She cleared her throat and whispered, "Me too."

A/N: I'm thinking about posting an extra chapter, with the rejects. Just a paragraph or so, the way most people do the alphabet prompts. I'm not sure about it. I know y'all want this over with soon.


	24. Xenophobes

Face It

Xenophobes

Everybody was a closet 'phobe. They had all kinds of hatreds locked in place, inbred into their psyche. They were very difficult to change, but Shepard didn't stop trying. (She considered herself mostly cured when she saved that Batarian in the wards on Omega...not all the way. Never.)

She'd been dealing with xenophobes for as long as she could remember. The first official group, if you would call it that, was the Terra Firma- Strong Earth- party on the Citadel. She'd handled the situation rather well, considering it was Garrus and Wrex behind her. She was happy that Garrus didn't seem to angry. He seemed to be of the opinion that the particular group of humans were stupid, and refused to see the facts. Which she supposed was true.

The second time, after Garrus and her had well... become an item- or at least she hoped that's what it was- was quite different.

She'd gotten into an argument with one of them, her opinion having been changed by much reflection. And Garrus. But that's beside the point.

"You're lucky I was born human! I can't believe your hate mongering. Grow up, it was thirty years ago! We're a lot smarter now." Shepard hissed as Garrus began to drag her away.

"Just calm down, Commander."

"Next time, I'm asking for turian!" She shouted.

"Shepard!" Garrus said, bringing her back to her present situation.

"Fine, fine. I'm just sick of them."

"I know. We all are. Now just relax. One day, they'll see."

Light flashed past Shepard's eyes, and she quickly looked away. Her grin wasn't repressed fast enough. Garrus caught it, a guilty sign.

"What is it?"

"I'm sorry." She said sincerely.

"It's okay, you were defending-"

"Not for that."

"Then for what?" He asked, backing away slowly.

"Converting a few people. I'll bail you out.. or, pay for the both of us... don't worry."

"Shepard what are you-?"

"Making sure you never wear civilian clothes with me out in public ever again."

Shepard started running back to the group of xenophobes. Garrus followed her, if only to make sure she didn't cause anymore trouble. Authorities had surely been called already.

Right as he caught up to her, she turned on her heel.

She closed her eyes and grabbed the waist of his pants.

"Shepard-!"

"Sorry!" And with that, she tugged.

…

"Two counts public indecency." Garrus said.

"I bet a few more of them will start to see things my way. I could see some of the women..."

Garrus laughed.

"Sorry if I embarrassed you."

"I got you back."

"So you did." She said thoughtfully.

"I've actually never been arrested before." He said conversationally.

"Me neither, actually... and all the rules I've broken..." They both laughed.

The clicking of heels that stopped in front of their cells ended any smiles. It was like being caught all over again.

"Miranda, I can-"

Miranda held up a hand, saying she didn't want an explanation. It was more scary than Miranda blowing up on them. She probably had something planned.


	25. Yell

Face It

Yell

Most people wouldn't believe it, but Shepard was originally soft spoken. There was no need to yell when you lived out in the silent hills of Mindoir. The only scare there was varren, and they were easily taken care of if you were careful, which she always was.

"Shepard, if you so much as speak in a normal voice, you fail." Her teacher said.

Shepard blinked. Swallowed. Fail? At N6, if you failed... you washed out. That was it. You got one shot at it. You stayed there. You didn't graduate to 7. With a nod, Shepard acknowledged that she understood.

The rookies she was in charge of met her in a room. Shepard could remember doing this on the first few weeks of the training- you hadn't even covered basic yet. All they'd taught you was to follow instructions. It was kind of like a buddy program. Here, at the end of the training, you tutored the people at the beginning of theirs.

"Alright, names." Shepard said. James, Lara, Mitch, Izzy, and Marie were their names. They all seemed nervous, but most were taking strains to calm themselves. It was greatly appreciated. It means they at least had their heads about them.

"My name is Shepard." She waited for the gasps and 'oohs' and 'aahs'. None came.

"Why did you pause?" Lara asked. Or was it Izzy?

"Sorry. You all come from small, backwater planets. Right?"

"Wow! How did you know that? Did they teach you that?" James exclaimed.

"Ah, no. It's just that my name's... well, it's ah, not important." Shepard cleared her throat, grateful that she didn't have to handle all of that. They were on a time limit here, "Skills. Who's a biotic, tech?" No one said anything. They looked around at one another.

"You're _all_ weapons specialists?" Shepard said exasperatedly. She was realizing that this was the price she paid for not having fans.

"Yeah. We...can't do any of that other stuff."

"Alright, alright that's fine. We'll work around it. That means we'll need to..." Shepard thought for a moment. If she had all of the weapons specialists, everyone else had biotics and techs. Techs were bad news. They could short out the weapons, leaving all but Shepard vulnerable. They could try and attack, but there were many variables.

"Okay, here's what we're gonna figure. What else can you do?"

"I'm an alright tracker. We had to be-"Izzy started.

"Alright, anyone else?"

"I-" One of the young girls started. She silenced herself quickly.

"It could make the difference between your passing." She said, as if her own passing wasn't hinging on their success as well.

"I can dance. I...I"

Shepard's eyes lit up, "Perfect. You're quiet on your feet. You'll be our reconnaissance."

"That's like a spy, right?" Marie asked.

"Sure. You're going to look, and report. Some will need to go with her, but you need to be quiet. You'll be reporting back to us." She started categorizing the rest of the team, getting ready for the coming onslaught.

…

"I see a lot of light." Marie whispered. Shepard could hear the fear.

"What color?" Shepard asked calmly.

"Orange. There's one purple-blue...glowy..." The young girl didn't know how to describe it.

"It's a biotic. It's probably the senior of the group. Back it up, head back here. Don't get-"

A scream interrupted Shepard's instruction. Shepard ordered the rest of the team immediately to Marie's position. Izzy wasn't going to be much back up. Shepard had the feeling that Izzy wasn't going to have much of a military career.

The run there had been a nice warm up. Shepard could hear the gunfire from yards away. That was good. That meant there was something going on- someone was fighting. Shepard followed the marking on her omni-tool to Marie's beacon.

"Marie? Marie, are you here?"

"Shepard! Shepard, I'm over here!" A small waving arm in the dark signaled Marie's location.

Shepard approached her carefully, making sure to check her footing. She wasn't sure of the situation.

"What happened?"

"They started shooting, at first I thought at us. So I screamed. But I don't think they heard me. Izzy tried to help me, but he fell. He _fell_. And he hasn't...he isn't..."

"It's alright, I'm going to come closer. Don't move too much."

Shepard could already smell the blood. She wasn't sure what the rules are for injured people. Nobody was supposed to get hurt. All of their weapons were set to, for all intents and purposes, stun. There hadn't been any briefing on what to do. But maybe that was the point.

"Izzy? Izzy, if you can hear me, say something." Shepard said as she gingerly placed the boy on her knee, trying to elevate him. All she got was a small groan. She helped the boy sit up, quickly applying med-gel, sure to make sure no one saw how bad it had originally been. The gel healed most of it up instantly.

"Izzy? Are you okay? I'm so sorry!" Marie said. The look on her face was earnest.

"'M fine... just a small bump." He mumbled. Shepard's hand hadn't left his back. All of the kids couldn't see that Shepard was the only reason he was able to sit up right. It made the young, but older, woman feel like a puppeteer.

"If they weren't firing at you..." Shepard said with sudden realization.

"There was a.. I couldn't really see it. Something big? But it didn't..."

"They're still going at it. James, grab Izzy. Everyone else, shake it off, gear up."

"Where are we going?" James asked as he dipped to pick up the young boy off the ground. With a strain, James straightened out, taking care not to jostle Izzy too much.

"Down there. Something could go wrong. These tests are notorious for that." Shepard said, thinking of her previous tests. Was it 4 or 5 when that accident happened? They all blurred together when time passed so quickly.

"But they're the enemy." Mitch objected. Shepard wasn't sure if this was the first thing he'd said all night or not.

"I've been training with these same people since I was your age. They're aren't the enemy. This is a training exercise." Shepard said, giving her weapons a thorough once-over.

"It's them or us." Mitch stated without any guilt.

"No it isn't. What makes you think that?" Shepard was scanning the area, looking for a safe way down. It was pretty far down the hill- even though they'd all come far already.

"That's how it is for you, right? You pass, or they do." The young man challenged.

Everyone waited for an answer.

"If they're in real trouble, what does it matter?" Shepard countered, wondering why she was bothering. She was the commanding officer. _She_ made the choices. It was _her_ future. But then a thought crossed her mind- it was theirs, too. What she did effected them directly. Was it a risk she was willing to take? With a shake of her head, she dismissed it.

"Don't you want to pass?" Marie asked.

"Of course. But if I let myself sacrifice my comrades, I'm no better than the scum I'm supposed to be fighting." The team followed quietly behind her, each digesting her words as if she spoke in gold filigree.

…

Shepard looked at the mess before her. The camp had been raided. There were no traces, except a trail of destruction leading away. The good news was that she didn't smell any blood. She sent out a small ping, hoping someone would answer. It was doubtful. She wasn't much of a tech- she couldn't hack doors, but she could work an omni-tool and make it send out messages as well as hack low level drones-so she didn't really trust her results.

"Hey, Shepard!"

"What?" She asked, heading back to her group with a sigh. Searching in the dark was fruitless.

"There." Mitch was pointing at a dark spot on the ground. Near the middle of the pool- after coming closer, Shepard smelled the tale-tell tang of blood- was a pistol and an bit of fabric. Armor, military standard. It did not belong to the rookies.

"What happened here?" Shepard asked aloud as she picked up the items carefully. She recognized the color, an orange that belonged to some strange girl she'd gotten along with rather well. Her heart was filled with worry.

"It's not a good idea to set up a camp here. Obviously something's wrong here. So, pop quiz. Where's the best place to hole up?" She asked. There were a few answers, but she wanted the kids to think.

"Up in the hills?"Izzy asked from the ground where he'd been dumped.

"Too far, but a good guess." Shepard said, happy that someone was talking.

"In the direction opposite the destruction trail?" Lara asked.

"If we needed confrontation, of either good or bad. We need rest." She said encouragingly.

"So, we need to move... away." Mitch said.

"Alright, best place would be north. Why?"

For a few moments, it was silent. Suddenly, someone guessed correctly, "We came from south. There wasn't any water."

"Bingo. Let's go!" She said excitedly.

…

At first light, she'd woken everybody. They were groggy, and hungry. She'd split what little food she'd been given among them, taking none for herself. She pretended to eat so the kids didn't worry. They, hopefully, wouldn't be out long enough to worry. After everyone's brain was working properly, they'd followed the chaos into what resembled a mine shaft.

"I really...really hate shafts." Shepard said, chagrin filling her voice. She knew that whoever survived was in there. She had to go check on them. She had to do it, and no one else. There would be no more broken bodies on her watch. Izzy aside, of course.

"I'll go in." Lara offered.

"_No_." Shepard said rather harshly. Stronger than intended but it worked, "I'm going in there, you guys are staying out here. Keep it clear, don't panic. If I'm not out in two hours, call to be picked up."

"What? You need to take at least one of-"

"Stay here. Two hours if you don't hear from me."

"Shepard..." One of them said sadly. They knew what it meant- Shepard would fail and they wouldn't.

…

Traumatized. The last time she was in anything resembling a mine, half her body was crippled. Going back inside was not a good thing to do so soon.

"Izetta! Are you in here?" Shepard said. Her voice didn't carry. A curse escaped under her breath. Damn this quiet voice.

When she looked down, by chance, she saw a score mark. One, tiny burn on the stone walls. She recognized it very well. It had happened when she tried to fix or calibrate her omni-tool. It shorted, causing a small electrical shock. The wall was proof enough.

"Izetta!"

Shepard quickly came to a fork. She couldn't be sure. Left, right. Right, left. She knew she didn't have time to sit around and debate. Closing her eyes, she began to twirl in place with her arm extended. She spun around three times. Her finger was pointing in the dead center. _Really useful,_ Shepard thought to herself.

Before she went down the left path, echoes bolted through the alternate path. She abandoned her route and ran with renewed speed. Lives could be depending on it.

When she got close enough to the students, they parted like they had been waiting for her. Maybe they had been.

Her eyes saw her comrade, her friend.

"Izetta!" Shepard said.

"Shepard. Thank _God_. Where are your kids?"

"Outside. I didn't know what the situation was. I've been in here for...an hour and a half trying to find you. I need to call them. I told them two hours before calling for extraction."

"You'll need to hurry and get out. We're fine. We killed whatever it was, I think. It's just...safer in here. You know how notoriously faulty these tests tend to be..."

"I'll just use my omni-tool."

"It doesn't work. We've been trying to get out signals since last night. I can't move with my leg all banged up. Two of my kids have broken arms. A third hasn't woken up. I'm scared, Shepard. If...if something happens..." Izetta's voice cut out.

"Don't worry. I'll... be right back. We'll call for you."

…

Shepard had to make an hour's journey in twenty five minutes. Biotics were being used in a new way, at least for Shepard, today. She was Pulling herself, doing whatever she could to move faster.

She knew, when she passed the scoring, that she was close enough. If she could just belt one scream- one good yell, she could still be in the running. She didn't have to sacrifice her future- her standing... there was no reason to anymore.

Realizing what she had to do, Shepard took a deep breath...

...

And the rest is history.

* * *

A/N: I'm sorry about the length. It took a while to get to my point.


	26. Zen

Face It

Zen

There were many warriors that deserved peace. Rest. Samara used to consider herself one of the higher people on that list- after all, what other parent had been chasing their child, hunting them down for nearly a century? After joining Shepard's crew, Samara's opinion of her trouble lowered considerably.

Shepard fought the good fight, every day. Every second, waking or not. And she didn't complain about it. Not once had anyone, including her old crew, had ever heard her seriously complain. It was all about the galaxy, about other people's problems, never about her. Samara often wondered what kind of galaxy was this to be so cruel to one so pure of heart.

After being helped by Shepard to kill her daughter, the asari woman found her presence calming. If Samara could have chosen, she would have wanted Shepard as a daughter. It was an ever present thought in her head. If she hadn't produced that.. but the thought was dismissed. It was painful.

The Justicar requested that Shepard be present for meditation sessions. Shepard was, at first, confused. Shepard knew she wasn't much of a...meditator, so she didn't see why the asari wanted her. Samara had a secret objective. By teaching Shepard how to meditate with her biotics, Shepard would be forced to relax at least once a week or so, and the biotic potency of Shepard would be increased. It was a win-win-win.

Shepard didn't suspect anything, which was as it should have been. If Shepard knew that the meditation sessions were for her, Shepard would magically think of an excuse to not better her own life.

And if one person in this entire galaxy deserved a small rest, it was Shepard.

If one person in this entire galaxy would not receive, or accept, peace, it was Commander Shepard, who has no first name.

A/N: And here we reach the almost-end of our journey. I decided on the reject-chapter. I know. I'm really sorry. I couldn't help it. I would feel that it was unfinished, and I hate that feeling.


	27. Rejects

Face It

Reject-chapter

**Attack**

The offensive was one of Shepard's least favorite military operations. She much preferred to be on the defensive, just because it gave her more time and less mistakes. Things went very wrong when you weren't the ones watching your enemy make mistakes.

Still, that's not saying she wasn't good at it.

**Bottle**

Shepard was never one to drown her sorrows. She knew they only came back with a vengeance, a head ache, and absolutely nothing gained. She'd seen many a soldier lost to the poison bottle. It seemed like such a waste.

When the chance came, she was glad to lead Septimus away from that.

**Choice**

When it came time to chose, she hadn't even pause to think. Kaiden's name came out before she could even stop herself. She'd apologized, but Ashley knew. No one knew, but _Ashley_ did. Kaiden was important to Shepard.

Not just as a ground team member, as she'd been trying to convince herself.

**Danger**

Shepard was a soldier- tried and true. She wasn't much of a diplomat, but people listened when she spoke. Which was normal for someone in her position- high military rank and quite good at what she did. She was articulate, but like any soldier, she thought better-_faster_- when there was a gun involved.

**Edge**

The cliff was a precarious place to be operating. You could easily tip over, fall forever. Most people couldn't handle the force of gravity, the balance was hard to come by. People like Shepard came by it naturally, at least it looked like that. Really, she was always doubting her decisions.

**Fame**

Shepard had been an icon most of her life. The lowly orphan rises from the ashes, saves Elysium, defeats Saren and dies. Oh, yeah. And then comes back.

She was used to ogling people. The rest of her crew? Not so much.

**Games**

It was dangerous, to play. Most people chose to know, ignore, move on. The games were deadly, lethal. Fun. No matter if Shepard had landed or lived on the planet, she was always a player.

**Hatred**

From her figuring, Shepard had as much right to hate a particular group of aliens as the next person. Maybe more. She didn't let it interfere with her work, or her general 'goody two shoes' persona. (Saving that batarian in the slums on Omega had proven she could do it, right?)

It'd been years and she still had nightmares that there were big bad uglies having a campfire and she was on the roasting stick.

**Important**

Her life had little value to her. There were other people who could do her job. But her crew... They were irreplaceable. There was nothing she valued higher than her crew. She had been known to forgo entire missions just to save her people.

No one ever told her how much losing her had blackened their universe. Without accusing her, of course.

**Jello**

_Wiggle wiggle._

It was an interesting...object to say the least. Wrex had never seen it before. It looked rather repulsive. But most, if not all, of human food did. When Shepard insisted that she was going to eat it, he had to stick around to see if she had the quads to eat it, or if she would expelled it.

The wriggling of the gelatinous substance set _him_ ill to his stomach.

**Kids**

Shepard wasn't one for sentimentality, though she could give speeches like nobody's business, but she really did have a soft spot for children. There was something about that innocence that made her heart pang.

Between her and the children's parents, however, Shepard believed she had the easier job. At least she could kill most of the people who got on her nerves.

**Lines**

Sometimes, Shepard wished she was artistic. Thane had told her that the way she killed, her grace (though to her it was more like fumbling) on the battle field, had been truly an honor to see. But there were days when all she wanted to do was to put all of the pretty images in her head on paper.

Could Samara draw? Maybe they could do that mind-joiny-thing...

**Mom**

For the crew members who were not a) in love with Shepard or b) older than her by far too many years, Shepard was like a mom. For those who could only imagine what having a mom was like, Shepard was the ideal image. She was kind, caring, and didn't yell at you. She was only ever disappointed, though she would never out and out say so. You would just know. Shepard realized her role in the ship.

She just hoped she fared better than her own mother.

**Never**

She remembered. The _sick_, _cruel_ and seemingly _pointless_ experiments. The gut-wrenching feeling when she discovered those marines. Admiral Kahoku. She knew that she could never work for such a group. They were _terrorists_.

She must've gone crazy while dead, she thought to herself as she stared at the hologram of a man who she was now working...with.

**Options**

It felt like he could never trust her all the way. She knew, before the relationship had ever started, that it might be like that for a while. She hadn't expected it to be like that for so long, though. To say her relationship with Kaiden was perfect would be a lie. Did he always need to leave himself an escape hatch? Was she not worthy of his entire trust? What reason- but Shepard knew it wasn't personal.

Didn't make it hurt less when he said, "Maybe you should see someone else... see if what you feel for me is real.", like she could have even thought about someone else then.

Hn, how things had _changed_.

**Private**

Shepard didn't feel the need to share information about herself. Most of anything to know about her was on the extranet. It wasn't a secret, though there were things even the 'net didn't know about her. Like, no matter how hard she tried, she couldn't stop spilling her deepest, darkest secrets around Garrus. She'd never felt that he was looking for the exit while she talked to him. He was there, with her.

There would be no secrets on her part.

**Quaint**

Every girl dreamed of having the perfect life. Nice little house, family, and a dog. It never happened, of course, but... people still tried. She'd been explaining this to her xenos one day. She came home to a Normandy filled with apple pie stickers and a dog hologram.

After she was done giggling, she continued her lesson of herself. Mainly about how her perfect life was exactly the one she had.

**Repercussions**

After his betrayal, Shepard felt the need to make Udina's job very, very difficult. She would purposely make a mess, leave it for him to clean up. Politicians needed to know exactly who was in charge- even if she could only take these small revenges.

After her death, Udina secretly went out for a celebratory drink. When she came back to life, he was quite shaken. He should've known better than to cross her.

**Special**

She was so _done_ with people saying she was destined for greatness. It got old. Fast.

By the time she was ten, she was ready to blow up on the next person who said anything along those lines.

**Tears**

Tali knew that Shepard cared deeply about her when she found her father on the floor. It could've been chords within Shepard's own past, but Tali doubted it. The hug had been real, Shepard's voice had been steady. The tears, though never before seen on Shepard, Tali knew, were for her and _her_ pain. In that instant, Tali knew she would follow Shepard forever.

**Unique**

"You have a funny way of expressing yourself."

Shepard looked forward at her art, "It was this, or cooking."

"Oh, spirits it's _beautiful_." Garrus said, suddenly grateful.

"Shepard, why is there a heap of junk in my room?" Jack asked from behind them.

"Great. _Now_ I'm going to go bake." Shepard said sadly.

Garrus shot Jack a glare from behind Shepard, "If I die from food poisoning _again_... I blame you." he hissed.

**Vultures**

Shepard hated the press. With a passion.

They were worse than birds. Vultures, she thought, was an appropriate term. They circled things that were already dead and done with, not daring to approach the still-living issue of...oh, she didn't know, Reapers? Too unimportant in comparison to her tastes in boyfriends, she supposed.

**Whisper**

Little known fact, Shepard was ticklish on her ears. If you spoke softly enough, she would shy away from you fighting a fit of giggles. She didn't really like people breathing on her neck because it made her feel like an idiot.

Garrus- much as Kaiden had- exploited this weakness at every opportunity.

**X-Ray**

"Daddy!" Shepard screamed.

He'd come bursting from the house almost instantly, "What is it, Moo?"

"Daddy! It hurts...it hurts _bad_." She winced as she moved to show him her arm. There was white bone protruding from her elbow.

"What happened?" Her mother demanded.

Shepard wouldn't meet her parents' eyes. With a steadying breath she admitted, "I jumped..."

"Moo! We told you!" And they had. They said that she could not fly off of the roof.

"I know. But Miss Knoll told me I was stubborn."

Her father picked her up, ignoring her protests of pain. She tried to be a big girl about it. The drive to the hospital was less than pleasant, but she couldn't bring herself to care. It was taking all of her effort not to cry. The x-ray technician seemed to notice, and he gave her a lollipop when he was done taking pictures of her arm.

She'd like that technician. He was the last one she'd liked.

**Yes**

Shepard learned that 'yes' was not the right answer in the military. 'No' was not the answer either. There was no _right_ answer. But any answer was better than not answering. The memory made her shutter.

**Zipper**

Her first time in a jump suit had been rather awkward. She wasn't the only one. She'd never been particularly curvy, but the tight fitting mesh underlay made her feel like Pamela Anderson. She looked at all the other girls, who were all slyly doing the exact same thing she was.

"Anyone else having problems?" Shepard laughed awkwardly.

"Here, let me help you." A young girl in orange armor said. If Shepard remembered correctly, that girl had the biggest...chest of them all. And she'd been the first one in the suit? Did the navy discriminate against the flat chested?

With an easy smile the girl said, "My name's Izetta."

Shepard's grin came naturally, "Shepard."


End file.
